


Bodily

by gamerfic



Series: In Sleep [9]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fireworks, Gen, Introspection, Mortality, No Dialogue, POV First Person, Trespasser DLC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 06:17:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5774767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamerfic/pseuds/gamerfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the first firework exploded and painted the gardens of the Winter Palace in green light, my first thought was that the Breach had somehow opened again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bodily

When the first firework exploded and painted the gardens of the Winter Palace in green light, my first thought was that the Breach had somehow opened again. I ducked back into the apothecary's shop where I had been mixing potions for the battle to come, cringing behind a table and biting my lip to keep from crying out in horror. Then I heard the distant bang of black powder set aflame, smelled the smoke and the ozone on the wind, saw the light around me change from green to violet, and understood what was actually happening. I stood back up and slumped against the doorframe, waiting for the pounding of my heart to subside.

When I had recovered, I started off in the direction of the noise without really knowing why. All around me the gardens of the Winter Palace were dark and empty. The footpaths were deserted except for the countless pairs of guards and soldiers stationed at nearly every door and corner, and the tavern was already shuttered for the evening. Even my friends, who had haunted this place for the last several days, were nowhere to be found. The regret I felt at their absence was not as intense as I might have expected, for there was little left unsaid between any of us. Even so, I was reluctant to face the fate that I knew was bearing down on me without someone there to witness it, for all that none of them could say or do anything that would change it.

Soon I reached the long, narrow patio that overlooked the hilly countryside surrounding the Winter Palace. It was crowded with onlookers, as were the terraces above it and the grassy hillside below. Everyone was so focused on the fiery blooms of color and sound bursting in the black of night, brighter even than the glowing green scar that the Breach had left behind, that they never noticed my presence. I sensed Josephine's hand in this diversion - a flashy and extravagant showpiece too loud and obvious to be ignored, one that would capture the attention of everyone else in the palace long enough for me to slip away and thwart the Qunari invasion before any of them could realize the danger they were in or the tragedy that would befall them if I failed in my duty. It was a good idea, and so far it was working.

I stepped up to the edge of the patio, anonymous and unrecognized within the distracted and chattering crowd, and looked up at the sky. Cole, Dorian, and the Iron Bull were waiting for me back at the _eluvian_ , and I had told them that I only needed a minute to replenish our supplies. In so many ways, I was running out of time. But perhaps that was why I felt the need to take this moment to lean over the railing and feel its rough stone against my forearms and the firmness of the ground beneath my feet, to inhale the warm fresh air of Halamshiral tinged with jasmine and sulfur, to hear the low rumble of contented voices all around me - to remember, for one last moment, all the joyful and painful and mundane and confounding details of this life that I was about to leave behind.

As if to remind me of how little time I had left, the Anchor flared in my palm. Its crackling green energy had intensified so greatly that its glow was faintly visible even through the thick leather glove I wore. I clenched my fist tightly around it and gritted my teeth against the pain until it subsided. It was much too late to do anything about it now, other than to use its power one last time to stop the invasion while I could still fight. And yet I could not help wondering - if things were different, would this last threat have been enough to finally bring Solas back to me? He had calmed the mark before, had stabilized its power within me after Corypheus's attack on the Conclave. In a way, his ancient wisdom had enabled the Anchor and me to reach the uneasy equilibrium we had maintained for the past three years. Might he be able to do it again?

But it was futile to hope that Solas might return. Two years had passed with no sign of him, and neither Leliana's efforts nor my own had ever turned up the slightest clue to where he might have gone. Even if we had known his exact location, at the rate that I was losing control of the Anchor, it would have been impossible to get a message to him in time for it to make any difference. He would have needed to never leave me in the first place. I wanted to believe that he would want to save me if he could, that if he only knew about my plight he would rush once again to my side. But with so many questions unanswered and so much left unsaid between us, I could not even be certain that this was anything other than wishful thinking.

And yet, if I were going to my death (and I knew that I was), Solas was the one regret I would carry with me to the end. The words I would have exchanged with him if he were here would be the only ones I would leave unsaid. Of course I still wanted the explanation he had promised me, even if by now it would be useless and belated. But even if he could not or would not give me that much, it would be enough to simply see his face again, to hear his voice, to have him by my side one more time as I faced whatever awaited me through the _eluvian._ It had taken me this long to understand what there was to fear about dying alone.

Another firework detonated nearby in a shower of green sparks. Other rockets in other colors followed it. This time, I didn't flinch. I held myself motionless where I stood, watching each flash of vibrant, dazzling light that temporarily illuminated the land beneath it before it faded away into nothingness as quickly as it had appeared. Each burst left behind faint, spindly skeletons of smoke that drifted away and dissipated as other, newer explosions appeared to take their place. This was hardly the way I'd imagined spending my last night in Thedas, but it was what I had been given, and I was not about to waste it.

All around me in the gardens I could overhear the conversations of the nobles who had gathered to watch the evening's spectacle as it unfolded. They spoke of trivialities, trading tales of incompetent servants and minor insults delivered by rivals over breakfast and new trends in Orlesian fashion and the latest plot twists in some popular serialized novel and the diversions and entertainments they planned to find to occupy the next day and all the days after it. _These people are asleep,_ I realized. They were ignorant not only of the Qunari forces massing in and around the Crossroads and preparing to invade, but also of the decisions being made behind the closed doors of the Exalted Council. But was that really so wrong? Why should they be made to live in fear when there was nothing that any of them could do to change the outcome of events? No, it was better that they should not wake from their dream of a peaceful tomorrow, even if the price of their oblivious safety was my life. At least I would be dying for a reason.

I had been sent to the Conclave in the first place because I was expendable. It had taken me a long time to accept that truth. Keeper Deshanna had been curious about the outcome of the humans' gathering, but not so curious that she had been prepared to risk the life of a precious and rare First or Second, a respected elder, or even a skilled hunter. Better to send someone with no ties to mate or children or family, a warrior for a clan that rarely went into battle - someone whose absence would not debilitate Clan Lavellan if they never returned. Ironically, in the end I was the only one who had survived.

And now, despite all my titles, I was still expendable. The Anchor had granted me power and respect - for a time. Now it was going to destroy me. All that remained was to use that power to ensure that my death would not be meaningless when it came. I doubted that the Inquisition itself would survive me, but perhaps that wasn't so bad. Let the others take whatever they had gained from it, from me, and decide for themselves how to live, how to carry out our mission, how to make things better. Let them be free, as Solas had always believed they should be. I had learned that lesson first from him.

I stepped away from the railing, turning my back on everyone and everything except the narrow path ahead. The fireworks would go on without me, as would the idle conversations of the crowd, as would everything else in Thedas. I could not know how I would be remembered after I was gone, but as long as someone went on existing to remember me at all, I ultimately couldn't say that I cared. With luck, everybody would mostly recall the times that the Inquisitor had been kind or wise, and forget about the mistakes I had made. It was enough for me to save the world. The rest had always been best left for others to determine.

As I made my slow, deliberate way back to the palace, I tried to burn every detail of the night into my memory. The uneven firmness of the cobblestones beneath the worn soles of my boots. The noise of the crowd receding behind me. The steady beat of my heart, the warm air filling my lungs, the constant nagging ache of the Anchor in my palm. The colors in the sky and the perfume of the flowers and the hushed songs of the insects, all of them already dying the instant they were born, like everything, like me. If I kept my gaze forward, I could almost imagine that Solas still walked at my side, scanning the horizon for danger, always ready with a defensive barrier or an intriguing observation or a dry and subtle joke. I would not turn and remind myself that he was no longer there - that in fact he had already been gone from my life for twice as long as I had ever known him. Instead I would tell myself that he would somehow be with me at the end, that he would not subject me to the same thing he feared. That I would hear _ar lath ma_ from his lips once more, and with it a promise to remember me, to carry on the work of my spirit. In the end, I did not want to awaken from my foolish and futile dreams any more than anyone else at the Winter Palace did.

I could no longer delay the inevitable. I climbed the stairs to the room where the _eluvian_ was kept and paused with my hand on the handle of the door. I did look back, then, at the gardens and the distant fireworks and at everything I was about to leave behind. Solas wasn't there, of course. He had vanished like so many other things I had loved and lost. I would simply have to endure the absence of it all - but not for much longer.

I pushed the door open. Cole and Dorian and Bull were ready and waiting beyond it, their faces filled with sadness and determination in equal measure. I could not meet their eyes as I pulled on my armor and picked up my weapons for what we all knew would be the last time. It was time to let go of this world, of this body, of so many other things. I took a last deep breath of Orlesian air and approached the _eluvian_ , glowing silver and blue, a promise of uncertainty that I had no choice but to test. I raised my hand to its shimmering surface and, before I could lose my nerve, stepped into my own death on its other side.

**Author's Note:**

> Story title taken from [the song of the same name by Ani Difranco.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fj-rlf7TJ2I)
> 
> All right, it turns out that I lied about there being only one more story left in this series. I was finally able to play Trespasser (curse you, ancient Xbox 360 and your lack of certain DLC!) and when I was finished this one-shot just kind of fell out. So there will still be one more after this. I hope you don't mind. :D
> 
> Otherwise, I'm beginning to turn my fic-writing energy toward [A Slow Awakening](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5747389), a novel-length project exploring Solas's backstory and what he was doing in the year before he joined the Inquisition from his POV. It's meant to be part of the same timeline/worldstate as In Sleep. Please check it out if that sounds like your kind of thing.


End file.
